Covered in Red
by Smenzer
Summary: Butler Grell tries to slice a watermelon at Madame Red's house but it's harder than one thinks. Funny oneshot.


Covered in Red

Disclaimer: The characters are not mine. They belong to whoever owns the rights to Kuroshitsuji.

Author's Note: This was the first Black Butler story I wrote a few months ago while my cat was sick and needed stress relief. Humor and writing is always good for that.

Grell was wasting time playing butler to Madam Red, knowing he really should be doing his paperwork for William, but he didn't really want to do that. It was just so boring filling out the stupid forms and typing up reports. If only reaping was just simply swinging his death scythe about it would be loads more fun. But no, paperwork went with it, paperwork that ruined his lovely nails from the constant typing… And so he stood behind Madam Red's chair like a proper human butler in his brown outfit and mousy brown hair tied back with a red bow.

He was glad he hadn't killed her now, as he almost had. He had grown upset when she had refused to kill the brat, but now he was deliriously happy she hadn't as now he could spend more time staring across the room at his lovely Sebas-chan. Of course Madam Red spent a lot of time with Ciel, her darling nephew and that meant lots of time with the demon. The only one who didn't seem too thrilled about the arrangement was the demon, but he just didn't know a good thing when he saw it! With some friendly persuasion and fluttering of eye, he was sure he could change the demon's mind.

And as for the murders, they had just fizzled out when Ciel had caught them literally red handed. He had gotten in trouble with William, too, and his chainsaw had been exchanged for scissors, but now due to good behavior it had been returned.

Ahhhn, what a wonderful feeling to be able to chew through things again so powerfully and spray blood everywhere! Lousy scissors just couldn't compare, even if they did have red handles.

Staring across the room to where Sebastian stood emotionlessly behind Ciel's chair like one of those lifeless dolls that Ciel's toy company made, he winked a green eye at him and made a kissing motion in his direction.

Sebastian frowned, glaring at him.

Grell laughed silently to himself, pleased that it was so easy to get the other's attention. Playing butler was turning out to be a lot more fun than he had hoped.

"Did I mention I bought some wonderful imported watermelons?" Madam Red was saying to her young nephew. "They are so rare at this time of year, but apparently in tropical climes they have two growing seasons. It would make a tasty treat, don't you agree, Ciel?"

"I suppose so…" the young lord replied from where he sat in a stuffed armchair, a chess board in-between them. "Some cake would be better though…"

"But all of that sugar is bad for you!" His aunt protested as she waved a delicate hand in his direction. "Fruit is sweet but it's a healthy snack and will provide your body with what it needs. Eating bad things will make you sick and diseased. Surely you don't want to end up like one of the patients I see at the hospital, do you?"

"Fine. We'll eat melon." Ciel stated as he carefully moved a chess piece on the board. "I just hope it tastes as good as the ones during summer…"

"Why shouldn't it?" His aunt asked, a smile gracing her lips. "You can't eat all of your fruits baked into cakes!"

Ciel grunted unhappily.

"Grell," Madam Red said. "Be a dear and go slice and serve the melon."

Yes! Finally something to butcher!

OK, it was just a dumb melon but at least it was red inside…

"As you wish, my lady." He said as he headed for the kitchen.

"Perhaps Sebastian should assist…" Ciel said somewhat doubtfully.

"Oh, how hard can it be to slice a melon?" Madam Red's voice replied.

Whatever was said after that he couldn't hear as he walked to the back of the house to where the kitchen was located. Spotting the green striped watermelons almost immediately, he picked one up and almost dropped it, as it turned out to be a lot heavier than it looked. Holding it securely against his body, he carried it to the table and carefully put it down, hoping it wouldn't roll off of the surface to smash on the floor. Keeping his hand on it for a moment, he cautiously pulled his hand away and to his relief it stayed put. Turning, he opened the drawer and pulled out a knife.

Feeling eyes on him, he glanced towards the kitchen doorway and saw Sebastian standing there.

"You need to wash the outside of the melon first before serving it." The demon stated as he came into the kitchen and started preparing more tea. "I presume you knew that."

"Of course I knew that…" Grell lied to the demon while looking at him as innocently as he could. He turned to regard the melon, considering on exactly how he was supposed to wash it … dump it in a sink full of water or just rub it with a wet rag? Would it even matter?

"Don't forget to use soap." Sebastian added as he put the tea leaves into the teapot and added the boiling water. "One never knows what sorts of germs are on the outside skin and humans get sick so easily."

Grell watched as Sebastian placed the teapot and cups with saucers on a serving tray and started heading out of the kitchen, the tray balanced with practiced ease on his hand.

"I shall be back in a bit to check on you…"

Sighing at the missed opportunity to smooch with the demon, he filled the sink with water and then carried the melon over to it, dumping it within the water. As soon as he did so, the melon's weight sloshed the majority of the water out of the sink and onto his clothes. Grell leaped backward in surprise and slipped on the now wet floor, falling to the floor with a loud thud. He lay there for a moment, dazed, as the wetness sunk into his clothes. "How embarrassing, beaten in a fight by a fruit … or is it a vegetable? Thank goodness my Sebas-chan did not see! He would never consider me worthy of his love if he knew…"

Grell climbed to his feet, frowning at the large dark patches on his brown butler outfit. It was so noticeable and the water felt icy against his skin, the wetness making the fabric stick to his body. He tried wiping at a wet patch with his hand but decided it was useless. Maybe no one would notice?

Carefully stepping into the big puddle now in front of the sink, he peered within and saw the melon resting in a few inches of water. Grabbing a bar of soap, he made his hands soapy and then rubbed the soap all over the melon. Rinsing it off, he decided it was clean and ready for slicing. Carefully picking it up out of the sink and pressing it against his body, he carried it back to the table and set it down. He dried it off with a towel the best he could and then grinned, his shark teeth revealing themselves. "Now for the fun part!"

Picking up the knife in one hand, he held onto the top of the melon with the other and then brought the knife down against the green shell, making a cutting motion.

Nothing happened.

"Hmm… it must be harder than it looks…maybe if I stab it first."

Yes, stabbing was always good!

He raised his arm and then brought his hand down quickly, the knife flying at the melon. It struck then and instead of sinking in all of the way as he had expected it to, it only went in a little bit and then stopped. Grell leaned forward; peering at the tiny injury he had caused the melon, a puzzled expression on his face. Was the knife bad or was the melon hard like a rock? Pulling the knife out, he examined it with a knowing eye and thought it looked sharp…so what was the problem?

Going back to the knife drawer, he pulled it open and stared in confusion at the wide variety of knives he saw. Each one seemed to look different, some with very narrow blades, some with wide blades, some with extremely pointed tips and others with noticeable teeth on them…what were they all for? Worst, none of them had a helpful sign on it that said 'watermelon knife' or even 'melon knife'. Choosing one with a sharp looking tip and some teeth along the edge, he carried it back to the melon.

This time when he stabbed the melon, the knife sunk in and he grinned, his green eyes lighting up behind his plain-looking butler glasses. But he quickly found out that when he tried to move the knife through the skin, to cut a slice, that the knife would not move straight! It went downward at some crazy angle and made a weird lopsided slice out of the one end.

He stared at the very crooked and gagged slice and knew he couldn't serve that, not when Sabas-chan always served perfect little sandwiches, perfect slices of cake and perfect everything! The demon would just gloat at him silently, with that smug glint in his eyes while not looking smug otherwise.

And then he realized the problem was that the knife was not long enough to slice the entire melon at once! The melon was wide and the knife he had was on the short side, forcing him to turn the melon round and round while he cut it. That and the outer shell was hard like a rock!

Grell tapped a finger on his chin while he thought. "I clearly need something long and powerful to make nice perfect slices, slices that even Sebas-chan would be proud of. But what could I possibly use?"

Then his green eyes widened as the perfect tool popped into his mind.

"Why, I'll use my chainsaw!" He quickly switched his plain glasses for his red-rimmed ones, took the red bow out of his hair and ran the magic comb through his locks. Instantly his brown hair turned into fiery red locks. At the same time his mild-mannered brown butler clothes was magically replaced by his usual reaper outfit of white shirt, dark vest, black pants, red heeled boots and the red coat he had begged off Madam Red as he just had to have it.

Pulling his chainsaw out of the either, he revved it up and set the blade to the melon. Instantly he was sprayed from head to boot in red mush, the soft innards from the watermelon. The quickly moving chain chewed through the melon, tearing it this way and that way on the table as the fruit just refused to sit still! Finally it tore asunder, broken bits of green striped shell and red watermelon mush flying all over the kitchen.

Grell stood there blinking for a moment, the roaring chainsaw still in his hands. "Oops…"

He couldn't see anything, as his glasses were literally covered with wet pulp as was his face. He could feel it sinking into his clothes, running down inside his shirt and dripping in his hair.

"Sutcliffe!" An angry and familiar voice called out to him from somewhere nearby, exactly where he wasn't sure as his glasses were all dirty. "Who did you just murder? I give you your death scythe back for one day and you come here to that woman's house, that one you were murdering people with, to find you covered in blood in her kitchen?"

"William?" He asked, slightly uncertain but it had to be his supervisor as no one else could yell at him like that. "It's not blood, really!"

"Do you expect me to believe that?" The voice complained unhappily. "I just got back from getting this new pair of glasses, because the other pair got broke from your stupid antics and now I clearly see you covered in red! What else could it be but blood?"

A feeling of dread formed in his stomach then as he realized that Will's new glasses obviously did not work right with his eyes! "I swear, Will, its just melon!"

"Right…" William said in a disbelieving voice, reaching out several times in a grasping motion before he managed to snag Grell by his long hair. "We're going back to headquarters and we're going to have that blood analyzed! Then we'll know who you just murdered!"

"No!" Grell protested as he was dragged out the back door by his hair, a wet trail of mashed melon and black seeds falling off of him. "I have to serve watermelon! It … it just refused to cooperate! I'm sure there is some secret to it, but Sebas-chan refused to tell me what it was! I need to make perfect little slices!"

The next moment he was up in the Dispatch Office getting dragged somewhere by a man who couldn't see too well where he was going. As he was dragged, a long wet smear was left on the office floor, a smear punctuated with a lot of black little seeds.

Ronald, who was always in a wild rush to get his work done as quickly as possible, came hurrying through with a tall stack of papers and immediately slipped, crashing to the floor. His papers flew up into the air, scattering everywhere. He lay there in a daze, unsure what had even happened.

Eric and Alan were sitting by Alan's desk, talking and they both paused to look at what had happened to Ronald.

"Why do I smell watermelon?" Eric asked, confused.

The End


End file.
